Fairly OddParents Harem Scarem

Fairly Odd Parents: Harem Scarem!
By Kairi Taylor


Author's Disclaimer: I own nothing. NOTHING I SAY!!


(Dimmsdale, or to be precise, Timmy Turner's home.)

Narrator: We begin our adventure to once again find our hero, Timmy Turner, reading a book.
Cosmo: Hey, you sound awfully familiar!
Narrator: Of course I do! I was the narrator for last year's story, don't you remember?
Cosmo: No no, I mean I could have sworn I've heard your voce somewhere else.
Narrator: Well, I did do narrating duties for Dave the Barbarian. I wish they never cancelled that show, it was guaranteed comedy gold! And now I have to share a room with Twinkle the Marvel Horse.
Wanda: That doesn't sound so bad.
Narrator: Oh really? (The camera pans to Twinkle sitting in the corner of Timmy's room.)
Twinkle: I sit in the darkness of ambiguity, and it is lonely. It is ever so lonely.
Timmy: Ok, you really need to get out more often. And out of my room is the first step.
Cosmo: So, what are your plans for this Valentines Day?
Timmy: I don't know. I have a sneaking suspicion whatever plans I have, one or both of you will find a odd but completely calculated way of subverting it.
Cosmo: Oh come on Timmy, it was just one time.
Wanda: And you have to admit, the date you went on last year was fun. Ok, so you needed to get your ribs taped because Tootie hugged you way too much, but I was a blast!
Timmy: True.
Wanda: Anyway, is that a manga you're reading?
Timmy: Yeah, it's cool! The guy in this manga, he's got a lot of girls trying to get his attention! And he's almost practically a nerd.
Cosmo: I don't know, that many women interested in one guy, it’s almost beyond an acceptable level of nagging for any one man!
Wanda: Excuse me?!
Cosmo: Uh oh, that was one of those things I was supposed to say in my head, huh?
Timmy: Yup. (Cosmo is hammered repeatedly by a mallet Wanda has poofed up.)
Wanda: You can't really go by those sort of stories Timmy. They're just the products of an overactive libido of men and women who really way too much romance issues they could sort out in therapy.
Timmy: True, but let’s face it it's much more preferable to the stark reality that is my 1 millionth Trixie Tang rejection/ Tootie love tackle from out of nowhere.
Wanda: You have a point.
Timmy: Wanda, I wish my life was more like-
Cosmo: HOLD IT!!!
Timmy: Whoa!
Wanda: Cosmo, are you actually rejecting this idea?
Cosmo: No. I'm required by law to activate Protocol 8675309.
Wanda: Oh, that's right, I almost forgot about that.
Timmy: What the heck are you guys talking about? And what's with a Protocol 8675309?
Wanda: I'll let out special enforcer handle that.
Narrator: And thus, with an expert wave of their wands, Cosmo and Wanda sent in the very being who would explain the details of said protocol.

(I am poofed in, a copy of Shojo Beat in hand.)

Me: Damn it, why do you guys pull me in at precisely the wrong time? Why not when I'm cleaning a toilet or watching a bad movie?
Timmy: Oh perfect, you again.
Me: Timmy Turner? Hmm, Valentine's came faster than usual this year. Let me save you the trouble, chains and padlocks are useless.
Wanda: Actually, we brought you here.
Cosmo: It's all about Protocol 8675309 today.
Me: WHAT?! Gah, not that one!
Timmy: Could one of you please explain what this is all about and what it has to do with my wish?
Me: Oh, sorry, we really do need to address that.
Timmy: By the way why do you have a copy of…
Me: Vampire Knight. Less asked the better.
Timmy: At least it isn't Twilight. (Poof flies in a copy of 'Da Rules- Fanfic Universe Edition'.)
Me: Protocol 8675309, or as we call it the "Mary & Marty Resolution" was drafted a while ago due to the overloading of people trying to sneak in their Mary Sue/ Marty Stu personas into the various universes. It became especially problematic in the Naruto, Danny Phantom and Ranma ½ universes. It became even worse when the residents of said universes even tried abusing it themselves.
Timmy: Really?
Cosmo: Yeah. Just ask Brian Griffin sometime. Poor guy never could live down "The Incident With The Next Generation" ever since.
Me: One of the clauses has to do with someone wishing that they could live the life of a different story setting. In case anyone from a US cartoon series ever wished for the 'harem anime' life, I am sent to-
Timmy: I know, I know, tell them how big of a mistake it is, warn them that the wish has dire consequences, blah blah blah.
Me: Uh, Timmy, if I think this is going where I think this is going, judging by your track record, can you REALLY afford to ignore me?
Timmy: You got me there. Ok professor; lay down some wisdom on me.
Me: Sure. Upon completion of the wish, you will end up in the setting you chose for one day and one day only. After that, you are subject to all the rules and consequences of your actions when you get sent out there.
Cosmo: In other words, if you tick off karma, she's gonna bite right back.
Timmy: I kind of figured that. Right it can't be too bad, I do fit the harem hero mold if I do say so myself.
Me: Really?
Wanda: Well, let's see. (Wanda poofs up a checklist) Male protagonist? Check. Lacking in common sense? Check!
Timmy: Hey!
Me: Abysmal to average grades, check!
Cosmo: A magnet for destruction or conflict? Big check!
Timmy: Part of me should feel some sort of embarrassment from this.
Me: Females interested in you? At least 3 we know of. Yeah, you fit the list. All you need is a Yandere type female who likes you despite the fact that she has a violent temper and can get on your last nerve. But I doubt you'd want a female like Asuka Langley Sohryu.
Asuka's Voice: WHAT THE HELL DID YOU JUST SAY?!
Cosmo: Uh, what was that?
Wanda: A sign that we should grant this wish as soon as possible.
Timmy and Me: Agreed!
Asuka's Voice: GET BACK HERE YOU BASTARD!!
Narrator: And so with great speed and enormous fear for their lives, Cosmo and Wanda raises their wands in tandem and grant Timmy's wish!

(Some time later, a 15 year old Timmy Turner steps out of his house, in a school uniform. He still has his trademark pink hat.)

Timmy: Wow, that was quick. And am I…older? (Timmy looks at his wristwatch, which is secretly Wanda.)
Wanda: Well, technically speaking, you have been older for quite some time. The author just never bothered to point it out. (Cosmo appears as a pin on his lapel.)
Cosmo: We had to point it out now because honestly, this story could get into squick territory very soon.
Timmy: Ok. So, now that the 4th wall has safely been destroyed again, let’s get this rolling. I wonder what I'll encounter first.
?: TIMMMMYYYYY!!
Timmy: I just HAD to ask.

(Seemingly from out of nowhere, and with a burst of supernatural speed, Tootie glomps Timmy, sending him right through his door.)

Timmy: Wow that was decidedly painful.
Tootie: Sorry I'm late, I had a bit of trouble finding my comb.
Timmy: Ah, it's ok. I just need to start removing the splinters from my cheeks. You don't have to tackle me that hard.
Tootie: Oh silly, that's how I greet you EVERY morning.
Timmy: Really? I don't seem to remember that. (Whispering to Wanda) Uh, update please?
Wanda: This is the part where the story introduces the many different types of girls that like you. Tootie is the first type. She represents the childhood friend who harbors a great love for you.
Timmy: Ok, that fits.
Cosmo: They also tend to be the overly protective and clingy type who can hurt you at any given moment, intentional or otherwise.
Timmy: In short, Tootie version 3.0! And is it me or is she dramatically hotter than usual?
Wanda: Well she is classified as 'meganekko' so there has to be a variable degree of attractiveness to-wait did you say 'hotter than usual' when referring to Tootie?
Timmy: Uh, focus guys. We need to get to school. (Timmy and Tootie start walking.)
Tootie: So, any plans for today?
Timmy: Barring any possible world ending crisis involving talking cosmic clouds, no. I'm fairly certain I've got no plans now.
Tootie: Good! Then you won't mind coming with me to the grand premiere of the newest romantic comedy.
Timmy: Yeah sure…wait, what?
Tootie: Here! It's the biggest hit at Cannes this year! (Tootie holds up a poster for Timmy to read.)
Timmy: Oh great…"Tonight the world premiere event! Come see the US premiere of Make Out Paradise!" I have a feeling of dread about this one. And how did they make THAT into a film?
Tootie: The details are not important. What matters is you're going!
?: Oh ho ho ho ho!! I beg to differ!
Tootie: Oh perfect, just what I needed.

(Trixie, in a school uniform similar to Tootle’s, walks up to them.)

Timmy: Wow. Trixie is actually talking to me?!
Wanda: Yes, she fits girl type two, the haughty proper girl with some rather not so secret traits.
Trixie: Instead of a stuffy, borderline perverted romance movie, I have decided I will treat my friend here to a nice dinner at a café of my choosing after school!
Timmy: Hmm, I do likes me some food.
Tootie: Oh really? (narrows eyes) Are you sure this has NOTHING to do with the fact that the Crimson Chin/ Catman DVD release is today and you need someone to go with you?
Trixie: I, uh, know nothing of that!
Tootie: You can't deny it, girl! I know all about your plans. Or was that girl I saw at last week’s Yu -Gi-Oh tournament in the red hat who took second place your twin sister?
Trixie: IT WAS A TIE FOR YOUR INFORMATION!!! Uh, I mean, I do dabble in the occasional card game from time to time.
Timmy: Before you two wage war, can we focus on getting to school? Please?
Trixie: Oh ok.
Tootie: Sure!
Timmy: And where's the school bus anyway? It's running later than usual.
Trixie: I believe the answer to that question is over there.

(Trixie points to the wreckage of the school bus, with his father staggering out of it clutching the steering wheel.)

Mr. Turner: Well, that's the last time they'll let us parents volunteer for bus driving duty.
Timmy: Yup, that's pretty typical. Ok, let’s get walking.

(A half hour later, the trio arrives at Dimmsdale High)

Timmy: Well, that was pretty smooth sailing.
Trixie: Why wouldn't it be? It's just a regular walk.
Tootie: Ok, we will ignore the fact that there was a bush trailing us for the past few blocks.
Timmy: Yeah…wait, a bush?
Trixie: Come on out, Veronica! We know it's you! (Veronica pops out of the bush in question, brushing off her uniform.)
Timmy: I hope there's a perfectly good explanation why you're doing that.
Veronica: I was…just keeping an eye on you! It's unseemly to have a boy escorted to school every day by two girls!
Tootie: I think the student council president is just jealous!
Veronica: Why would I be jealous? I'm not some popular high ranking member of society who is insecure and has a huge unyielding crush on someone who may be considered to be beneath me socially!
Timmy: Well, I guess she's the third type.
Wanda: Totally.
Tootie: You know, if you just come out and admit it, we won't think you're crazy.
Trixie: Well crazier than usual.
Veronica: Oh sure, go to one costume party dressed as your best friend and everyone thinks you're a knife wielding psycho. At least I don't try to hide the fact that I'm secretly collecting every back issue of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.
Trixie: So-so what if I am? Independent comic books do have a place in society. And at least like SOME girls, I don't keep a shrine to some poor sap in my room.
Tootie: Watch it girl, thems fighting words.
Timmy: Ok, so 3 girls are fighting over me. Nothing bad about that I suppose.
Cosmo: You would think that. But I have an odd feeling something SHOULD be going wrong right about now.
Timmy: Yeah, me too.
?: PREPARE YOURSELF TURNER!

(From out of the sky drops in Francis, in a very crumpled school uniform of his own, sans sleeves.)

Timmy: Oh right, I forgot.
Francis: I've been waiting for 3 weeks to get my revenge on you, shrimp! After being defeated by you in the school karate meet, I've had to live down nothing but taunts of 'Francis got squashed by the shrimp' at detention.
Timmy: You did?
Wanda: I guess this would be a fine time to mention you are in an action harem universe.
Timmy: What does that mean?

(Francis savagely throws a punch at Timmy. At the last second, Timmy catches it with his hand.)

Cosmo: It means you do cool stuff like that.
Timmy: Sweet! Uh, I mean, yeah I could see that coming a mile away.
Francis: Oh, but can you stop the other fist?

(As Francis begins to throw the other punch, Tootie manages to catch it with one hand of her own.)

Tootie: Excuse me, Francis, but we would REALLY appreciate it if you didn't try to hurt Timmy in any way. There are dire consequences to such actions.
Francis: Oh really, like what?
Tootie: Oh, I dunno, LIKE THIS!!!

(Pulling out a large mallet from nowhere, Tootie swings down hard and bashes it into Francis' skull. The words "Hurt Baka NOW" are etched into the side.)

Timmy: Whoa…that was a bit over the top. It's still appreciated. Though I have to ask where you keep that mallet.
Francis: Not by me!! That was brutal.
Trixie: Yes…(cracks knuckles) but nowhere near as brutal as what I'm going to do to you.
Francis: Uh oh.

(Trixie rears back and slams a hard fist into Francis' jaw, sending him screeching into a tree face first.)

Francis: Ok, that was a bit much. (Staggers up slowly) But my business is with Turner and I will not-
Veronica: DYNAMIC ENTRY!! (Francis is jump kicked in the face by Veronica from out of nowhere.) I will not tolerate any acts of violence against fellow students!!
Timmy: Ok, I think this has gone out of control. Where's that writer when I need him?
Wanda: Oh, he's close by. (As the girls continue to brutally dismantle Francis, Wanda points to me, at a noodle stand, selling ramen noodles.)
Me: Hey, you look like you need some advice and ramen.
Timmy: Yeah, I do. Chicken please.
Me: You've taken this quite well actually. Most guys I know would be panicking that there are three females interested in him. 3 who also possess the ability to put him in the hospital if he pisses them off in any way, shape or form.
Timmy: No, but I feel I should be. This will get better over time, I just know it.
Me: As a follower of harem manga I should let you know that-
Asuka's Voice: GOT YOU!!
Me: Oh crap.

(Asuka nails me with a clothesline, then proceeds to throttle me.)

Asuka: You think you can escape me by jumping into an alternate dimension?! THINK AGAIN BUB!!
Me: Acck!! Come on, I didn't mean any offense by it!
Asuka: Like HELL you did!!
Timmy: Excuse me, can you two focus? We're kinda working on my issues now.
Asuka: Oh right. What the otaku king here is saying is that in this kind of story, your problems will only start to increase as it progresses.
Timmy: I don't see HOW it could get any worse.

(8 hours later…)

Timmy: Let’s review…I accidently stumbled into the girls locker room TWICE, I learned that Vicky has a shota complex and I'm the subject of said fixation, Crocker tried to ambush me with a spinning roundhouse to the face when I was late for class, Remy is my rival and I barely beat him with a forbidden technique I learned from a library book and Sanjay may or may not be interested in me in ways that are not suitable to discuss on television.
Cosmo: See, that is the squicky part. (I poke my head in.)
Me: That was NOT in any way a bash against Yaoi lovers, really!
Timmy: Now I see why guys like Ranma and Keitaro are so tough…no normal guy could live for 5 minutes in a place like this.
Cosmo: Oh, it gets better! (I walk in, book in hand.)
Me: Sooner or later, in this story, you will have to make a choice on whom to spend the day with. And look who's waiting for you now. (Tootie, Trixie and Veronica are all waiting for Timmy at the school gates.)
Tootie: Oh Timmy, I hope you're ready for the movie!
Trixie: I believe he will be joining me at the café!
Veronica: Sorry, but I have, well, IMPORTANT school business that needs his attention.
Timmy: Oh man, what do I do?
Me: Don't look at me; YOU'RE the guy who has 3 girls who like you.
Timmy: Right. I may not live long enough to enjoy it, but I choose…
Narrator: And as Timmy Turner made his choice, one of the most common rules of harem anime reared its head.

(A hole in reality opens and Cindy Vortex leaps out.)

Cindy: Back off hussies!! I LAY CLAIM TO TIMMY!!
Timmy: What?!
Tootie: Sorry, but I had my first kiss with him, SO HE'S MINE!!
Trixie: There's no way I'm going to let some interdimensional harlot get his hooks onto him! SO GET LOST!
Veronica: OH HELL NO!! IS VERONICA GONNA HAVE TO CHOKE A BITCH?! (The 4 girls begin a battle of epic proportion.)
Me: You do realize that one of the main rules of harem anime is that at the end there is almost never really a resolution, right?
Timmy: Yeah, how'd I forget that? (Asuka walks by, with Shinji in tow…attached to a chained collar by his neck.)
Asuka: I do so love a happy ending.
Shinji: I guess this is the only pairing he's willing to acknowledge in this year’s story.
Asuka: Yes. Come slave, you will now pleasure me.
Cosmo: Like I said, squicky. (Wanda poofs a chain and collar onto Cosmo's neck.)
Wanda: Oh shut up and pleasure me!


END!!